On Monday I felt clarity. It was a sense of knowing I was doing the right thing. I could feel Christ working on me. He was filling me up with the Spirit. I knew I could handle this struggle. I could forgive my husband. We would be happy. The best word to describe my feeling was "renewed".

Then something hit me. So hard.

I felt depressed. Alone. Scared. Uncertain. Uncomfortable. Dark. Regret. Fear. Anger. ALOT of anger. Revenge. I wanted revenge. I could go on.

It just wouldn't stop. My mind kept racing. Asking question I probably would never know the answer to, nor would it really help me to know the answer. But my mind wouldn't let up with horrible horrible thoughts.

I knew I let Satan in. It scared me but I couldn't stop it. I didn't have enough energy to stop it.

For the last 24+ hours that is how I have felt. It got to the point last night where I was seriously considering what the heck I could do to quiet the noise in my head. The deep dark noise that was making me into a insecure horrible person that I normally am not. Then the thought came to mind to end my life. Right then and there I knew it HAD to stop. NO MATTER WHAT. I knew it was Satan.

I cried and prayed and cried and prayed for hours. I was so emotionally exhausted. I felt like I could not move. Then sleep took over. Thank goodness for sleep. I have had very little of it lately. Well restful sleep anyways. My mind and dreams are constantly plagued with doubtful not pure thinking lately.


In the morning I was a little better. Still gloomy. But I kept praying. I finally found some light this afternoon.

I now know I can not let up praying one single second. I was so close to letting Satan take control of my life. He knew that he wasn't going to win the first time he attacked our marriage. I was so close to getting over what happened when he destroyed my mind. He really set me back. But I am ok. I will be ok. I need to be stead fast.

First of Many

I don't want to face the world this morning. I don`t want to admit its time to leave the safe refuge that is my comfy bed. I guess those are the emotions of trying to fix your broken marriage.I still don't believe it. I don't believe that my once temple worthy loving husband has bipolar and committed adultery. Today is a bad day. Two days ago was a good day. I liked that day. I had renewed hoped that this could work. Today. Satan is working hard in my mind. But I wont let him win. We will beat this. This will work. We will work. We will be happy again. I know my husband.I love him. He loves me. We were at a bad point in our marriage. He just came out of the hospital after trying to commit suicide. He struggles with bipolar every day of his live. He caved into his previous addictions. Satan won that one. But I refuse to let him win anymore. He will NOT destroy this family. He will NOT take my husband from me again. We will won this. We will be stronger in the end. I would love to laugh in the adversaries face and tell him what he made my husband do in a moment of mental and addiction haze did not destroy us, but made us better. That moment is not yet. Far from it. But this battle, I am willing to fight to the death. The atonement can help me forgive. The atonement can help to heal our marriage. The atonement can save my husband and family.

  To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me. Acts 26:18


President Boyd K. Packer has taught: “There is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ”


I might try to get out of bed now...