On Monday I felt clarity. It was a sense of knowing I was doing the right thing. I could feel Christ working on me. He was filling me up with the Spirit. I knew I could handle this struggle. I could forgive my husband. We would be happy. The best word to describe my feeling was "renewed".

Then something hit me. So hard.

I felt depressed. Alone. Scared. Uncertain. Uncomfortable. Dark. Regret. Fear. Anger. ALOT of anger. Revenge. I wanted revenge. I could go on.

It just wouldn't stop. My mind kept racing. Asking question I probably would never know the answer to, nor would it really help me to know the answer. But my mind wouldn't let up with horrible horrible thoughts.

I knew I let Satan in. It scared me but I couldn't stop it. I didn't have enough energy to stop it.

For the last 24+ hours that is how I have felt. It got to the point last night where I was seriously considering what the heck I could do to quiet the noise in my head. The deep dark noise that was making me into a insecure horrible person that I normally am not. Then the thought came to mind to end my life. Right then and there I knew it HAD to stop. NO MATTER WHAT. I knew it was Satan.

I cried and prayed and cried and prayed for hours. I was so emotionally exhausted. I felt like I could not move. Then sleep took over. Thank goodness for sleep. I have had very little of it lately. Well restful sleep anyways. My mind and dreams are constantly plagued with doubtful not pure thinking lately.


In the morning I was a little better. Still gloomy. But I kept praying. I finally found some light this afternoon.

I now know I can not let up praying one single second. I was so close to letting Satan take control of my life. He knew that he wasn't going to win the first time he attacked our marriage. I was so close to getting over what happened when he destroyed my mind. He really set me back. But I am ok. I will be ok. I need to be stead fast.